What I learned from SyFy disaster films

I've already noted that people just love to fixate on disasters. The disaster film industry, whether for the big screen or small, seems to be an increasingly large part of our viewing spectrum. SyFy, I think, is practically turned Saturdays into "Disaster Day." Having had a lot of time on my hands, I've been watching (at least the ones that I could stand). I hope to save you the effort of cognition as you blankly stare at the screen trying to rearrange causality to fit. It is thus for your edification that I have compiled this list of lessons you learn from disaster films.

1. National monuments, wonders of the world and nature's miracles draw destruction better than trailer parks attract tornadoes. Has the Eiffel Tower or the Washington Monument ever survived a disaster film?
   
2. Women should never wear practical shoes, even in environments where they normally would have worn something sensible (like rock climbing). A set of basic pumps with a heel ready to be caught for dramatic effect is necessary to illustrate the horrible plight of the woman in a Vogue-driven mass media society. I'm expecting to see Alexander McQueen's armadillo shoes climbing inside a volcano any day now.
3. Getting killed while fully clothed shows a lack of imagination. Failure to strip down to something skimpy shows a huge lack of faith about the quality of your undergarments. Did you put on clean underwear in case you were in an accident?
   
4. The mortality rate of the wealthy is directly proportional to their obnoxiousness. Nothing satisfies a plebian audience more than watching Oxymandias Q. Rockefeller-Vanderbilt-Carnegie-Howell get snuffed in his formal wear.
5. Pampered pets of the wealthy, however, often outlive their owners. Fluffy's made of steel, people. Don't screw with the pooch.
6. New technology, however promising, always fails catastrophically with could-have-been-foreseen-consequences.
7. When stairs are blocked, immediately head for the elevators -- they're bound to be safer, right?
8. Global warming is always to blame.
9. Junior researchers are not allowed to survive past the expository portions of the narrative. Graduate students and geeks are inherently disposable.
10. Eccentric senior researchers are invincible until they choose to sacrifice themselves at the end.
11. The most unlikely scenario is the most likely to occur.
12. Safety mechanisms always fail under the conditions for which they were actually designed.
13. There must always been at least one scene with shorted electrical wires to be conquered. Sparks are pretty.
14. If two women work together, one always needs to die a horrific death. It's a social statement about the dangers of women collaborating at the office.
15. There will always only be one available world-saving device. Extras have been lost, stolen, broken or sabotaged. Redundancy would ruin the plot.
16. Captains usually die horribly before the ship goes down.
17. When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. Have you ever seen an orderly evacuation?
    
18. There must be at least one hugely emotional failed rescue of a minor character. You know, someone disposable like a junior researcher or the female coworker.
19. Words like invincible or indestructible inherently have the caveat: "Oh yeah, except for that incredibly obvious fatal flaw that we knew about from the beginning."
20. You should never follow the advice of experts until you have first tried the methods of the wealthy investor, military type, "establishment" scientist, religious figure or curious onlooker and created a cliffhanger.
21. There must be at least one crusty father figure.
22. In this politically correct environment, ensure that no minorities are hurt during the film. Only caucasians are vulnerable, particularly white wealthy ones.
23. There will never be enough fuel. Ever.
24. You will never see a cute, fluffy animal mutate into a monster. There will never be a mutation of "squee!"

With these helpful hints, I hope to aid you in your suspension of disbelief. Trust me, you're going to need it more than a disaster needs Randy Quaid. Enjoy the film!